


always ourselves we find in the sea

by jamesjoyce



Category: Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Future Fic, Getting Together, Girls With Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 04:44:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11177301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesjoyce/pseuds/jamesjoyce
Summary: “Dia,” Mari says. “There’s no us without you."





	always ourselves we find in the sea

**Author's Note:**

> i've been working on this for, oh, about a year now? wow. 
> 
> i love these girls.

Tokyo has everything--truly _everything_ , at all hours, as she and Mari have discovered at two am many more times than Dia is comfortable with--but Tokyo Bay at sunset has nothing on the view from Kanan’s house, right on the beach with the breeze on your face. 

The sky is in pastels, soft pinks and oranges with a burning gold from the sun, all distorted and stretched on the surface of the water. 

_I will miss this,_ Dia thinks, the way she does every time she has to return to Tokyo. 

She sighs and takes a sip of her tea, before turning back to Mari and Kanan, who are sitting side by side, looking as content as she feels. _I will miss this,_ Dia thinks again, but this time there is more weight on her heart.

Mari and Kanan are holding hands, their fingers intertwined on the table. They aren’t even looking at each other, Kanan’s eyes staring at the sunset and drinking her tea, and Mari’s eyes are closed as she hums. There is something natural about the gesture, easy. This has none of the hesitance or nervousness Dia is told come with new, young love. This is clearly not the first time they have held hands. 

Dia’s heart thumps uncomfortably in her chest. She swallows the tea in her mouth, ignoring the way the taste of it turns bitter, and smiles. For some reason, she feels the need to say something. She doesn’t know why she feels like this, she just does. 

“Oh?” she says finally, once the words have formed in her mouth. “Are you two together now? Congratulations.” 

Both Kanan and Mari look at her, but she keeps smiling. She doesn’t want them to think that she has any problem with this, because she doesn’t, she truly doesn’t, even if her insides are all twisty and for some reason her heart is sore. 

She knows she should be happy for her friends. She knows that she _is_ happy for them, that they were able to find their happiness together after loving each other so long, but for some reason there is something off about all this. For some reason there is something wrong with _her_ , but she won’t let it affect her, and she won’t let it affect her friends. This is her problem, and no one else’s. 

And yet, for some reason she feels the way that she had when she was small, watching the way Mari’s eyes grew wide when Kanan had hugged her, shocked and embarrassed all at once, tiny heart pounding with something that she couldn’t name. Something that she had always felt when she looked at the both of them, beautiful and lovely together, fitting together like two puzzle pieces. That feeling had all but vanished when they were older, when they had all three reunited, when they had become members of Aqours, and yet here it is again. 

Here it is again, already settled in the pit of her stomach, and roots being put down to keep it in its place. Dia is not exactly pleased with this development. 

Kanan is the one that speaks first, squeezing Mari’s hand. “Yes,” she says finally, smiling at Mari. Mari smiles back, quietly happy, the way she only ever is with Kanan. Kanan always had that effect on her, muting Mari’s loudest aspects to normal levels, but somehow never diminishing their brightness. “We have been for some time now.” 

“How long?” Dia feels the need to ask. She wishes she could keep her mouth shut, but for some reason she can’t keep it closed, and self loathing washes over her. She knows she needs to stop, to stop poking at old wounds, and yet she finds that she can’t. 

“Since we came home for the summer,” Mari answers. When she turns back to look at Dia, she’s glowing, and Dia is sure it’s not from the way the setting sun has turned everything golden. “Dia-” she begins, after scanning Dia’s face. 

“Congratulations,” Dia repeats, before Mari can get any farther. She isn’t sure she wants to hear what Mari has to say. “I am very happy for you both.” She smiles at them both, and lifts up her tea cup. 

It’s not a lie, it is absolutely not a lie. Dia loves Kanan and Mari both too much for their happiness not to make her happy too. But for some reason, her tea still tastes like ash in her mouth. 

 

“You’re both always leaving me,” Kanan had said, the day that Dia and Mari had gone off to university in Tokyo. All of the members of Aqours had come to see them off at the train station, Chika bright and impossible, Riko quiet and supportive with small but practical gifts. You had said she would miss them, and asked for uniform magazines. Yohane had teared up, and Hanamaru held her as she did so. Ruby had cried too, hugging Dia for a long time before letting go. And then they had let Kanan and Mari and Dia have their own moment, stepping discretely off to the side for this to happen. 

“Yes, but this time we will absolutely come back to visit,” Mari said, her voice bright. And then in English, she added, “Scout’s honor!” and giggled. 

“And you can always visit us too,” Dia said, and Kanan had laughed then. Her hatred of Tokyo was as well known as Dia’s fear. And yet, Dia was moving there and Kanan was staying here. 

“I will,” she promised. “Now that you’re both going to be within arms reach, I will.” 

Kanan had reached for Dia first. Dia wasn’t sure why that mattered so much, but it did. She reached for Dia first and for a single moment Dia closed her eyes and let the softness of Kanan’s skin and the way she somehow always smelled of the sea help her float away. 

When Dia was going to pull away, feeling embarrassed that she had let the hug go on for this long, Kanan had opened one of her arms and reached towards Mari. “Arms reach,” she had said, a reminder, and Mari had stepped into Kanan’s arms. 

For a moment, the world seemed to narrow to just them. Kanan’s salt smell and soft skin, the way Mari’s arm snaked around Dia’s waist, how solid she felt beneath Dia’s hands. How _good_ it felt to have both Kanan and Mari so close to her. How _right_. The world just didn’t seem to lay the right way when they weren’t all together. 

Dia was going to miss Kanan so much. She would see Mari every day--of that she had no doubt, even if Mari was going to live in her own apartment and Dia was going to live in the dorm--but once again Kanan would be left behind. It hurt even more to leave her the second time, because this time Dia was truly leaving, instead of just letting time and schoolwork fill the distance between them. This time Dia was going to be kilometers and kilometers away. 

“We’ll be together again,” Mari promised, and it did not seem like a lie. Mari couldn’t promise anything, they had all broken each other’s hearts before, and the very real possibility that they could break each other’s hearts again was always hovering over them, but Dia chose to trust her anyway. 

 

Dia hadn’t wanted to live with Mari, even though Mari had been pressing her about it ever since their first year of university. She had known that there was no way that she would be able to afford half the rent of any place that Mari would want to live, and her fisherman father certainly wouldn’t be able to help her with rent that extravagant. 

The only reason they lived together now was because they had worked out an agreement that if Mari paid the lion’s share of the rent (And it really is too much, Dia sometimes winces when she thinks about it, but Mari had insisted and Tokyo is expensive. Dia just tries not to think about it.) Dia would do most of the cooking and the cleaning. 

Dia is sure that she would be doing that _anyway_ , as Mari had a tendency to leave her shoes pushed messily at the genkan and left a mess trailing in her wake, but it was a decent trade off. 

It’s because they live together that Dia finds herself at this cafe about three blocks from their place. She needs somewhere that she can get some distance from the situation. Being around Mari, with her blonde hair and bright eyes and her presence that manages to effortlessly fill every room that she finds herself in, wouldn’t help at all. 

So she orders too expensive coffee, and she broods, bringing her laptop out but not actually working on it. 

Kanan had told her back when they were in their third year, before they had joined Aqours, that Mari had told her that what she had been trying to do was bring back that feeling that she had only felt with Dia and Kanan, before. 

Dia can understand that. Even though they had all felt that feeling again with all of Aqours, there is something special, something different, with just the three of them. They had a shared experience that no one else had, and even though it had ended with failure and heartbreak, it had began with joy and and a shared love of something bigger than themselves.

 _That feeling I only felt with Kanan and Mari_ , Dia thinks, watching the way the whipped cream melts into her coffee. 

Dia loves all of Aqours, she does, but that lingering feeling of a distant _something else_ for Kanan and Mari had always existed. Dia hadn’t thought about it very hard in high school, with everything else she had to deal with there just hadn’t been _time_ , but now she is realizing, with a sinking feeling in her gut, what that _something else_ was. 

She loves them. She is in love with them. Both of them, at the same time. Kanan with her quiet patience and smiles that could break and mend your heart at the same time; Mari with her whirlwind of a personality and her laugh that made your spirits lift instantly when you heard it. They are so different from each other, so perfect _for_ each other, that it doesn’t even seem shocking to be able to love them both. 

Dia loves them, but they are in love with each other. They are _together_ , they are _dating_ , and Dia can never, ever, do anything to shatter their happiness together. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself. 

Well. She has been alone before. She has been forced to hold up a pillar of strength, even when she wanted to crumble, to be the one to keep moving forward even when Kanan and Mari weren’t beside her. She could do it again. In fact, it might even be easier this time. 

Now she knows how exactly to take the feelings that are spilling out of her chest and stuff them inside, and to stand strong with it. But this time, she has to look at Mari every day. See Kanan sometimes, on the weekends they both went home. See them together. Fingers intertwined, kissing sometimes, if they felt comfortable enough around her. 

It will be harder, but Dia is sure that she can do it. 

When Dia gets home, Mari is there, because of course she is. Mari has friends that Dia isn’t close to, because of course she does. That’s just how Mari is, drawing people in, but she always says that she’d rather spend time at home with Dia than go out with them. 

Even during their first year of college, Mari seemed to spend more time in Dia’s dorm bed eating pocky than she had anywhere else. Even when Dia had told her that she had to study--and of course, Mari almost never had to, even though she’d had to buckle down more for university than she ever had for high school--Mari would stay there, getting crumbs in her bed. Dia had never told her to leave and actually meant it. 

“Diacchi,” Mari says, the smile on her face fading as she sees Dia’s expression. “What’s wrong?” 

Dia lifts her chin. “I’m fine,” she says. She tries to make her face blank, so that Mari can’t read it. She hates how Mari has always been able to see right through her, even when she didn’t want anyone to. “This paper is just a little tricky.” 

“Oh,” Mari hums. “The semester just started last week, but that’s our hardworking Dia-chan. Well, after you’re done with your paper, I need to talk about something with you. Kanan would too, if she was here, but she isn’t able to come up this week. Her parents are going to see her mother’s family, so she needs to stay at the shop. But it’s important that we talk about this now.” 

The more Mari talks, the more serious she becomes. Dia had been voted the scariest member of Aqours by fans (as well as the one that fans would want to be scolded by the most, which was twice as embarrassing), but Mari is far scarier than Dia could ever dream of being. Especially when’s she’s not trying, her eyes almost glowing and her voice dropping. 

Dia clenches and unclenches her fist. Mari knows that something is up, that Dia is lying. 

Dia wishes that she didn’t. 

 

Avoiding Mari is hard, but Dia is stubborn. That, and she knows Mari’s schedule, knows exactly when Mari has class and when she’ll be out, and so Dia makes sure that she only comes out of her room at the times she knows for sure that Mari isn’t going to be home. 

Dia still cleans, and she makes dinner with enough leftovers to leave a plate for Mari on the table or in the fridge, so there’s no way that Mari could complain about that. 

Mari keeps spamming their private chat on Line with stickers and emojis, but Dia refuses to answer, instead just letting Mari see that her messages are read, but to stop because Dia isn’t going to reply. 

But of course, this is the girl that left America to come back to their small town and paid to become the director of their school just because of the new idol group. She isn’t going to give up so easily. 

Dia knows the battle is lost when she comes home--late, having stayed at the library for longer than necessary just to avoid Mari--and sees Kanan sitting in the living room. Mari is nowhere to be seen, which should be suspicious, but Dia is more than distracted by the way that happiness floods her body just from seeing Kanan in person. It’s only been a month, but any time apart feels like forever. 

“I didn’t know you were coming, Kanan,” Dia says, after Kanan rises up to give Dia a hug. Kanan is by far the best hugger in all of Aqours. There’s something so comforting about her presence, something so innately _Kanan_ that no matter how many people Dia ends up hugging, she knows that she’ll never feel as safe with them as she does with Kanan. 

“Well, it was a surprise to me too. But Mari said you wouldn’t talk to her, and who knows more about avoiding Mari than we do?” 

Dia winces. “Did she actually say that?”

“No, of course not. You know Mari has forgiven us, maybe more than we deserve. She just told me that you wouldn’t talk to her and that she needed my help.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yes, oh.” Kanan gives Dia her best level stare, the one that’s kind of scary. “So, have you? Been avoiding Mari?” 

“Yes, but.” _It’s not what you think. It’s because I think I’m in love with you both and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how I’m supposed to process this. It’s too much, it’s too soon, I just want you both to be happy, with or without me-_ “It’s not what she thinks? Or even what you think.” 

“Then what is it?” 

It’s so much harder to hide from Kanan than it is from Mari. In Mari, Dia found someone that could match her pace, that would always encourage her and vice versa. They fit together so easily, once they get going, because they understand the way the other works. With Kanan, who is not like them, it’s harder to deflect, because she isn’t like Mari or Dia. She’s so completely, utterly different. 

“You wouldn’t understand.” 

Kanan reaches out, squeezes Dia’s hand gently. Dia knows that she’s gone, after that. “Please try, Dia. I couldn’t bear it if the three of us were apart again over miscommunication and misunderstandings. Don’t run away.” 

“I love you,” Dia says finally, and Kanan raises her eyebrows. Dia knows how this must look, how this must seem, but she keeps going. She can’t seem to stop herself, when she gets like this, the words pouring out of her, in ways she can’t control, “I love you and I love Mari and I know you’re together. I know that and I’m sorry for feeling this way but I can’t stop it, I can’t, Kanan I’m sorry but I ca-” 

“Dia,” Kanan stops her. “Dia it’s okay. It’s okay. Mari wanted to be the one to tell you this, but she couldn’t pin you down. Dia, we know about your feelings.” 

“You...do?” And oh gods, forget America. Dia is going to have to go to Europe to get far enough away to hide from the shame of this, from Kanan and Mari knowing. Only then might she finally be free. 

She’s so ashamed. 

But the way Kanan is looking at her, so warm, makes it seem like she isn’t angry or upset. Dia still can’t bear to look at her for too long, but Kanan squeezes her hand again and Dia raises her head. 

“Let me call Mari, and then we can talk, okay?” Kanan says, finally letting go. 

 

When Mari gets back home, evidently going to the same coffee shop that Dia had hid in, because of course she does, she goes straight up to Dia and gives her a huge hug. “Don’t ever do that again,” she says, her voice thick, right into Dia’s ear. “I don’t like to have to tell Kanan on you, but I will. I will!” 

“I know you will,” Dia says. “You already have.” 

“Kanan told me that she told you that we know.” 

“She did.” Dia puts her hands behind her back, to hide how they’re shaking. 

“Well I want you to know that we’re glad,” Mari tells her, looking back at Kanan. Kanan nods, smiling. 

“You’re glad? But why?” 

“Because we love you too, silly,” Mari says, like it’s as easy as breathing. And maybe it is. That’s how Dia feels about loving them, after all. 

“You...you do?”

“Of course,” Kanan says. She comes up to Dia, on Dia’s other side. “We’ve loved you for a long time. We just weren’t sure how you felt about us. For so long you’ve only cared about idols, or becoming a manager for so long, but...it’s true. We love you.” 

Dia can’t help it then. She starts to cry. 

Kanan and Mari both pat her head, trying to get her to calm down. Dia tries to hide her face, but Mari won’t have it, so Dia ends up crying into her neck. Dia stands behind her and smooths Dia’s hair until the tears finally subside and Dia feels like she can resurface. 

“Sorry,” she says, feeling both horrible and relieved at the same time. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Kanan says, while at the same time Mari goes, “Are you crying because you’re sad? Or because you’re happy.” 

“I’m happy,” Dia says finally. “Of course I’m happy. I never would have thought that the two of you would love me back. Especially because you have each other.” 

“Dia,” Mari says. “There’s no us without you. That’s the the one thing that we know for sure.” 

This time, when they all hug, there’s no bitterness in it, or longing. Dia holds the girls that she loves most in the world and knows that they love her back, and feels as though everything inside of her has settled at last. 

 

They decide to go back to home to the sea, just the three of them, to see Kanan back. They have a very long talk about what their relationship will entail on the busride--about how it will be even, about how they will try to see each other more often. About how they all want to move back home, once Dia and Mari are done with their degrees, about the house on the beach that they might want to build one day on the Ohara property. 

It’s so easy, talking about the future with Kanan and Mari. Already they feel like the shape of Dia’s forever. Perhaps they always have. 

Once they get back, and greet their families, they make their way down the beach. They hold hands as they walk across the sand, in a way that they haven’t since they were very, very small. Dia finds herself at peace, finally, just the three of them. 

“The sunrise is beautiful tonight,” Kanan says on one side of Dia. 

“Yes, very pretty,” Mari says on the other. 

“It’s good to be home,” Dia says, and she means it more than anything.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is @emersonwatts and my twitter is @thecivilunrest (i'm locked but accept all requests)


End file.
